sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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