Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
