Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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