The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
