I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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