Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
