The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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