why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
