my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
