either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
