she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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