Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
