gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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