I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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