What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
