I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
