i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
