I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
