On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
