i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
honey bunches of taint.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
