Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
