My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
