He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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