ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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