My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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