i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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