dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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