I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
