Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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