tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
