If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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