he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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