I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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