you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
