never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
