it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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