I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
