But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
