So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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