i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
