I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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