New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
