Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
