I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
