He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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