Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
