JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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