Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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