How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
