I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
