the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
