i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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