Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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