If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
