I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
